Sunday, March 15

on being a bad mom

do you ever have moments where you just feel like your a crappy mom?  this is how i feel every night at bed time.  
a long time ago i wrote a post about how velzy was the best kid in the world cause she went to be so well, i was so proud of her.  then oh how things changed.  i don't even remember when this change happened, it was sometime after we moved to hawaii.  she mastered the art of "stalling techniques" as we like to call her efforts to stay up.  so, we have a very detailed bed time routine- bath, vitamins, brush teeth, read books, go potty, say prayers, drink of water, bed. 
after the routine is when the fun begins.  she either lays in bed and yells "mom"  "fix my blanket" "i need a drink" "i have a knot (in her hair)" or she gets out of bed to come bug us.  it has gotten out of hand lately.  it's so annoying.  i have no patience after 7:30.  i am done being a mom.  done being nice.  and patience is a virtue that i have lost.  i feel bad about this, i really do.  but, i feel like i am a pretty good mom during the day.  i don't do much for myself when the girls are up.  for most of the day the world revolves around them and we have a lot of fun.  of course i lose my patience with them during the day but i like to think i cool down fast and move on.
anyways, back to be time.  velzy also has gotten back into twirling her hair and getting massive knots in it.  she comes out of her room sometimes 6 or 7 times with knots in her hair for me to get out.  at least she is not pulling them out like she used to but they are huge knots and it's gross and she is still losing hair.  i feel bad because i know that she does not voluntarily twist her hair- she has been twisting hair since she was 2 months old and old self-soothing habits are hard to break.  all velzy wants is long and pretty hair but that is hard to have when you put knots in it that have to be cut out or even if i can get them out some hair falls out or is broken.  we started putting 3 pig tails in her hair so that she couldn't twist as much.  this works to a degree but she will still manage a knot or two a night.  lately i have been thinking about shaving her head.  that way she would not be able to twist it at all and maybe she could get over the habit?  the promise of letting her dye her hair pink when it grows long and pretty is apparently not enough to get her to stop twisting on her own. the bed time do:

once again, back to bed time.  the other day i read on some blog (have no idea who's) about some nice mom who's child asked them to snuggle with them a little as she was putting them to bed and she wrote "how could i say no to that?"  umm, i say no every night.  see, i am a crappy mom.  i just don't want to snuggle at the end of the day with any little people.  i mean, i have been hung on, body slammed, snuggled, wrestled, or been giving piggy back rides all day long and i want a break, go to bed.  
last week luke and i gave talks in church.  i ran across this quote in preparing for it from Harold B Lee: "When you raise your voice in anger, the Spirit departs from your home."  this hit me like a ton of bricks and popped into my head a lot this last week.  especially at times like tonight when velzy lay in bed screaming "MOM" for no good reason, keeping her sister awake and yelled.  i am trying to work on that.  but could velzy also try to work on going to bed, please? 
anyways, lovely up lifting sunday post, huh?

and one more quote that hit me like a ton of bricks from Brigham Young:
"our families are not yet ours.  the Lord has committed them to us to see how we will treat them.  only if we are faithful will they be given to us forever.  what we do on earth, determines weather or not we will be worthy to become heavenly parents."


Smiths said...

This post, from the yelling "Mom," and hundreds of reasons why Taj needs me after bedtime and my clocking out as mom after eight was my life exactly. This is why we turned to the quiet time in the afternoon and the wonderful quick bedtime. Life is good again.

Hope you figure it out soon cuz nobody wants to feel like the bad version of themselves.

Melissa said...

Chad's little sister once had a very similar habit, but hers was just pulling her hair out. His mom shaved her head, and pierced her ears so people new she was a girl and that stopped it (obviously). By the time her hair grew out she was totally over it.
maybe that will make life easier at bed time.

Erika said...

After reading that Brigham Young quote I realized, I'm in trouble. Bummer about the knots. I love the pony tails. Maybe if you braided them as well it'd help even more...but I'll admit, I've got no experience in that area. Last thing, you're a GREAT mom...if Jane and Ella knew what kind of mom they're missing out on, I'd be in trouble. There's no problem setting your foot down at the end of the day...I'm pretty sure that won't be held against you. Like you said, you earned it since you were super mom the previous 12-14 hours.

The Deter's and Peach's together. said...

You are not a bad Mom. You are human. We all have things that we need to work on. The fact that you are aware of that is what makes you such a good Mom. Thanks for your post however. I really needed to hear those quotes as well. They are so true!!!

heidi said...

love the quotes--they do make you think. i too am done at about 7:30. 13 hour days are long--can you imagine if you had to go to an office that long? don't think you are alone on that one. oshyn did the same thing. he would make up all this jazz about why he couldn't sleep. i finally realized as much as i never wanted to give up his afternoon nap, he was done. now he is asleep in less than 5 minutes and cruz is the one that talks and yells (but he is still confined to a crib so he stays put :)

kelly mccaleb said...

totally feel like a crappy mom alot. thanks for those quotes!

Da Denninghoff's said...

I appreciate your honesty! I love you Ash! And yes I recieved your message. Thank you so very much for helping me out with that.

Jessica Brown said...

Ah I'm sorry. Really though your posts is uplifting in away because it lets other mom's like me who totally know what you mean to feel like a crappy mom, know that there is someone else out there going through the same things, so really thanks for posting mommy struggles too. I've been feeling the same way!

Shannon said...

ha love the 3 pigtails! I can't even do one... how the heck am I going to have a girl!??? lets play soon!

Stephanie J. Robertson said...

i read this last night and i have been thinking about it on and off since then since i can relate in a way and i know how you feel- in a way. i say in a way because just like every child is different, every mom is different, and therefore it can never be in the same exact way.

amby is crazy in so many ways but he has for some reason always (knock on wood- seriously) been a great sleeper. so in that way it is different, but i feel like last week for some reason, as i went to bed every night i needed to ask heavenly father, ambrose and thomas even to forgive me. i raised my voice so many times and lost patience so many times. what was the deal with him, with me. with us????

i think the bright light in it all is that you found some good answers which in turn helped me too and that is that we just have to try harder and be better. we just have to.

i like the phrase- a perfect brightness of hope. i can start over and try harder and try to remember to stop myself before i lose it.

anyway, thanks for posting this. love you.

Greg and Diana said...

Don't feel bad, I have the same daughter gets into bed, and I would curl up into bed and then hear through the monitor "Mommy, mommy" so I'd go see what was wrong and she wanted me to put her blanket back over her annoying once it was happening at 2am. And now with a baby I have NO patience for the middle of the night need for a mommy fix. Stay strong...they learn eventually!!

The Trotter Family said...

You are ridiculous! You just don't know what a good mom you are because your kids are too small to tell you. I can understand you being DONE after a full day. I feel like toast around 5:30. I have declared patience as the hardest virtue to learn. It is definitely my challenge. Don't doubt yourself. I think sometimes people like to write all the good things to kind of glorify themselves. I get sick of reading those blogs. Get real! I love that you write about the good and bad in life. It shows how down to earth you are.

The Bradys said...

O i feel you! Jack is going thru that right now too and its driving me nuts... I do the same stuff... cuz like u I am done by 8pm (really by 6pm, but unfortunately not quite off the clock as I call it) . I do my fair share of yelling too when he does this... especially during my favorite shows lol Im hoping its a phase and will pass soon. Your a great mom, we all get impatient sometimes with our kids... its called normalcy! How could you not.. they know exactly how to push our buttons! Hang in there... she'll stop the fight soon, however then Ivy will start ahhhh why cant our kids be 18 already! ;)

Love the night time do!!

missy said...

I was going to say the same thing as everyone else, but it sounds like you figured it out - no late nap, mini tantrum and then easy bedtime. I feel like some days we're starting this too as Ave has just entered the "stalling" phase as well. It can wear us mom's down right??

You are a great mom and I second what someone else said that as long as you are aware of it, it makes you an even better mom!

Do your girls have the same bedtime or does Ivy go to bed earlier?

.Ang. said...

I can totally relate to this post on so many levels!!! I've been struggling lately!!! feeling like the worst mom in the GALAXY!!!!

Thanks for the post and for the amazing quotes!!!

Thank you thank you thank you!!

tonya said...

I hear ya! I am a wicked witch after 7:30-8 pm on most nights. It's not pretty, nor is it fun.

The only thing that has worked for us is the Supernanny technique, where the first time they get out, you take them by the hand and tell them it's bedtime, then every other time they get out, you say nothing, just leading them back to bed. I'm sure it doesn't work for every kid, but it has worked miracles with us and Asher.

Hang in there, all bad phases are just that, phases and they pass quickly...

Shanae said...

I am right with you, I don't know how many times I have said to Kali, it is after 8:00 pm it is now my time :) I am totally done being a mom by 8:00 every night. Then I want ME time to do WHAT EVER I WANT :) As far as getting Velz to stay in bed ????? I have the same problem with Kali, and if I DO choose to lay by her, I fall asleep and then I feel like I don't EVER have time for myself, So THAT is NOT the answer. I wish I knew what was. I am still working on that one. It is true though what others have said about the no nap thing, when she doesn't take a nap she is out, then you just deal with the crankiness during the day.

AUGH the joys of motherhood :)